Advice

A friend pointed me to a new blog about advice for a baby daughter. Neat blog.

A different friend came to my office this morning to talk about life and the weekend happenings. I really like that I get to do this with my people each Monday. I am honored that they like and respect me enough to come sit in my office each Monday, on their own accord, and share their lives with me. Anyhow, I gave the friend a piece of advice that an old boyfriend gave me that I have applied throughout my life. This is the advice, in my recollection of it from nearly 20 years ago.

Most guys don't get it. They don't understand. I need a 3x5 card with all capitals telling me exactly what it is you want or need.

Pretty simple, huh? No one is a mind reader. If you don't say what you want or need, 1) you cannot expect to receive it and 2) you cannot get angry at anyone who doesn't know what you want or need. You have to tell them and you have to say it clearly in words that they will understand. That is a big part of it! You have to say it in words that THEY will understand.

That is the best piece of advice that I've ever received and I continue to apply it and give it out all these years later.





So when you are all pissy and walk out in a huff, or locked behind a bathroom door, or quietly seething inside because things are not the way you want them; stop and ask yourself, "Did I tell them, on a 3x5 card in all caps, exactly what I wanted or needed?" If the answer is no, then you have to assume that they did not know. Take a few deep breaths, wash your face, and go have a conversation with the person. Most people don't want to purposefully ignore your needs or act in a way to hurt you.


Thank you to the one who gave me that advice. I hope others reap the same benefits from it that I did... and continue to reap.

Weekend Update

We got a fair amount accomplished this weekend and seemed to indulge everyone's whims. Saturday morning we went to the great neighborhood garage sale. Over 175 sales this year! We hit about 2 dozen or so of them. Itty Bitty found a Cinderella Vanity for $5. Cinderella actually appears in the mirror and they get ready for the Ball together. The boy found an action figure he wanted for $0.25, if even that, and some free chocolate covered sunflower seeds. I found some clothes for IttyBitty for $0.50 a piece. My honey found a potatoe masher. We gave up when we realized that 1) we didn't really need anything and 2) we were just going to come home with more toys for the kids, especially the girl, that we really didn't need.

The boy had a baseball game that afternoon. They won and he actually scored a home run. I stayed home and cleaned the dining room. Then they all came home. I filled them with pizza and sent my honey on his way. I folded laundry. The kids played.

Sunday, we were out again in the morning and did some cleaning at a very grassroots neighborhood clean-up. We headed out to Lake Hiawatha where most of our kids like to go play and there is a little beach and a rec center. We worked mostly in the grass while a larger group worked the beach area. It got hot and several of us got very allergic within about 30 to 45 minutes. The kids helped a bit and then went off to play on the playground.

IttyBitty wasn't feeling very well. She actually did not play at all. We got home and worked on things around the house a bit. Then she came and snuggled with me until we both ended up taking a long nap -- 3hrs for me, 5hrs for her.

In other news though, my honey finished building a compost bin for me. It is a barrel with a spoke and a stand. He dumped our kitchen compost in (suddenly the bugs in the kitchen disappeared!) and it stank to high heaven. Thankfully, we both had done a little online research about this and the family shredded up the paper from last Sunday and added that plus some store bought compost that we used in the garden earlier. No stink! No bugs! Yay!

The garden has lots of green things growing in it. Lots of them. The beets don't look like they are producing very well yet though. Maybe they just need more time. I don't know. I'm not exactly a gardener.

Overall a good and productive weekend, time spent outside, time spent cleaning and doing laundry and time spent resting. And nearly all of it was family time.

Random Thoughts

I think my dad forgot my birthday. I'm a little upset but I understand. My sister flies in to see him tomorrow with her baby, my niece, his granddaughter. He's never met her before. And he's wished me happy birthday 35 other times. But there is part of me that is childish and says, "Today is my day. Tomorrow is her day." I'll get over it. And really, he may not have actually forgotten. The card may be late. He may have called after my cell phone died. He could have assumed that I'd be out and not wanted to bother me.

My birthday has been a good day. It was definitely filled with lots of love and well wishes from friends. It always amazes me how many people I have in my life. Tonight, I got to spend a rare evening alone with my honey. That almost never ever happens. It was nice to just sit with him and share a meal, discussing politics, work, friends, family, and other stories of our days.

One thing that made me particularly happy was that we were able to talk about an old friend's blog. There was no jealousy, no accusations, no suspicion, just acceptance that there are people who are important to me from my past that I love and want to bring back in to my life. My honey just enjoyed the stories and shared his commentary and thoughts.








Earlier today, I had started and then was distracted and then started and then was distracted and started and then was distracted... from a post about blogging, Twitter, Facebook and narcissism. Apparently, we all believe that the world is in need of our opinions and that makes us selfish and narcissistic. I don't think the world needs my opinion. I think that I can be difficult to get to know and this is one way for my friends and loved ones to get a deeper look inside me and build a deeper connection and understanding. It allows me to connect with friends and family over a long distance. I certainly don't think that they necessarily think they want or need my opinions about anything nor do I think that the day to day happenings are of vital importance to the world at large. Blogging and LiveJournal are ways for me to express myself. It is for me. Perhaps that is where it is truly narcissistic for me.

Additionally, all of these tech things have allowed me to get to know people better as well. My community extends beyond a six block radius from my home. It extends out to the suburbs, out to the East and West Coasts and beyond to Europe. My community and my support network is (practically) worldwide because of technology. That connection is not narcissistic. We support each other over great distances.

I simply think that our world is evolving and it will take time for generations to understand how to relate and connect through all the technology without it all being about Me. Perhaps some of the scientists do not understand it all yet.








You may have heard on the news lately that a Minnesota man -- a Somali activist -- went to Washington DC to help get a lawyer for the Somali pirate who took hostage an American shipping captain. The Somali activist and his non-profit organization, that is set up to help Somalis in the US, is now under fire for helping to find a lawyer for the pirate.

Now, personally, I think he's a pirate. Let's take care of him like a pirate. Let's make him walk the plank. I have very little use for thieves, especially hostage-taking thieves.

As an American, believing in the Constitution and Due Process, I am astounded that we are willing to abandon our principles (again!) and persecute the man who was trying to ensure that someone got a fair trial. Fair Trial. A lawyer. People, this is what our country is based on -- a country of laws. The backlash is against the guy helping the pirate get a lawyer -- not the pirate. The guy trying to ensure that our justice system works.

I don't understand what it is going to take for people to realize that if we abandon the rules for someone, no matter how evil he may be, that we are abandoning the rules for ourselves. Once we decide that we no longer need fair trials for people we perceive to be criminals, we ourselves cannot be guaranteed a fair trial either. Once the rules don't apply for one group, it is very easy to have the rules not apply for any group.

We have to be careful and get away from this thinking that we don't have to give people fair trials, that we can just lock them up and throw away the key. One day that key may be the one to open your cell, regardless of your innocence or guilt.




“First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.”
—Martin Niemoeller

Relationships and the Military Family

I've recently reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school. We've been catching up on the last 17/18 yrs. It sort of ended up being about boyfriends and marriages and divorces and remarriages for us and related friends and family. His comment was that those of us that were military families did not fare so well. We are bad at relationships.

Yeah, he's right. Being a military brat, I definitely got used to breaking ties. Do that enough and you build up some pretty sturdy walls. It's hard to let people in. I think that we even begin to pick people that we only kind of like. That way we have no reason to really open up and make deep connections and have our hearts broken. I know that I have certainly run away from people when we were getting too close. I have created problems when there were no problems. I've often chosen "Mr. Right Now" rather than someone who could have been Mr. Right.

The other thing defense mechanism that I've seen in myself and other military people is that we start creating distance when we know that moving time is near. Little things become big arguments. Wild and crazy suspicions become fact in our heads. But it is so much easier to leave someone that you are angry at or don't like anymore.

Now that I am an adult and have 'settled down', I'm learning how to make those connections. Regularly, I realize that I have missed being taught things in life because we weren't stable. One of our friends recently was in the hospital and having surgery. I knew that I needed to stay away because I was sick. Other than that, our family offered support. "Let us know if we can do something to help." It did not occur to me that I should offer specifics -- like going over to clean the house, send over hot dish (casserole for those of you not in MN), etc. Other people knew that. I did not know that. There were other basic support things too that did not occur to me but others had learned through basic socialization. Sometimes, just being in the same room with a person and holding their hand is all that they need. News to me. I know, crazy isn't it?

I've been working on taking those walls down, even in basic ways like letting people hug me and sometimes I even hug back. I attempt to get in touch with my feelings. Yes... my feelings. The thing that I think I need the most work on is learning to be open to others being open. I think that when others start really opening up to me, I kind of put on this therapist mask. I try to listen intently, help them come to important realizations or conclusions, and solve the problem for them or with them. I think it is a clinical sort of distance that I create there. I think that I make it a safe place to open up and discuss things without harsh judgement or criticism, but I don't make that heart to heart connection. I want to make that connection. I purposefully work to be open and supportive. I think that I avoid that last step. It's a defense mechanism.

Hmm... Not sure how to fix that. It might be more and more practice. Food for thought.

Crazy Ranting Mommy

Yesterday afternoon, I was in Itty Bitty's room helping her clean, when I'm pretty sure that I lost my mind. She had been so sweet when she came downstairs and said to me, "Mommy, will you come help me clean my room?" I said sure and went on upstairs. We forced the door open wider, pulled out the storage bins and got to work. I knew that my answer should have been No at that point.

Once I got the initial layer of toys up, I found that all the pretend food items and dishes were dumped on the floor and shoved in the corner. Now, she absolutely could have tossed them all on the floor on her own. But she wouldn't have hidden them. However, the boy would have hidden them.

I holler for the boy to come up. He had been in her room playing with her a few days earlier. She'd been screaming at him because he had dumped out all of her play kitchen stuff and was holding all her little dolls and stuffed animals hostage in the giant tea pot, where they dishes had been stored. He then put it on his head and put on a feather boa and came to show me how silly he looked. When they'd been told to clean up the mess they'd made, he obviously had shoved it all in the corner and covered it up with other stuff.

I started in on the boy. "I'd rather you clean it up right and not get everything clean! You know better than to do that! Why would you dump out all of her bins? What were you thinking?" You get the picture. Itty Bitty, seeing the boy get yelled at, starts in "He did it all by himself Mommy. He did it."

I turned and looked at her. "Oh no he did not! I know you helped him make this mess. Don't even try to blame all of this on your brother!"

So, I tell him to go outside and pick up poop. This is not actually punishment. It is his regular chore. I just wasn't going to have him playing PS2 while I cleaned up the mess he made with his sister.

Itty Bitty starts up again, "Mommy, Holly (the dog) made all the poop by herself outside. I didn't do any of it. She made all the poop. Not me."

I just about peed myself laughing.



Thank goodness her self-preservation instinct is in tact. And that she is such good comic relief. Also, she loved Cookies & Candlelight. She wants to do that regularly now.

Cookies by Candlelight

My daughter and I participated in Earth Hour tonight. Being 3yrs old, light is pretty important to her. She got really upset at first when I dimmed the lights that she was playing by but the treat of running around with two flashlights and a lantern made her happy again. I lit candles all over the house and coaxed her away from the computer games on Nick Jr. We made chocolate milk by the refrigerator light and got some iced tea for me. We snuggled up on the couch together and ate chocolate Madeline's and black & white cookies from Starbucks. The light from the lantern looked like the moon on the ceiling. We talked about all the fun things we got to do today -- Circus School, the trip to Claire's for sparkly and shiny things, coloring, riding the big wheel, playing computer games, reading books, playing dress up. She is such a girl.

Now, we didn't get Earth Hour quite right because when we were done chatting, we watched King of the Hill on TV. She says to me, "Mommy, he needs better skills" regarding Dale Gribble on the show. Sometimes, she is too smart.

Anyhow, she's laying down in bed, my bed. She's still talking... a lot. I really wish she'd be quiet and go to sleep. I'm exhausted.

I never managed my nap today. She got a nap. Her daddy got a nap. When I finally laid down, my sister called 10m after I fell asleep. Then I got up and cleaned house some. Then I tried to lay down again. And 10m later, Bitty needed Mucinex. Rather than ask her dad where it was, she came up and banged on my door. Then the neighbor's dog started barking. Then lots of sirens went by. Then she came upstairs and stood in her room, which shares a wall with ours, and screamed for her daddy. He was in the basement. She was on the 2nd floor with me. Grrr... I got to lay down, but no actual napping. Now, she's just talking and talking.

Tomorrow, we need to make a trip to the library again. We have lots of books to return and we should check out some new ones.

I'm getting a sore throat. I'm all hoarse. I would really like the weather to level out so I can't not get sick again.

Hmmm... I must be tired too as I am just rambling... I'm doing the same thing that she is doing, only in my blog instead of out loud.

G'nite All!

Memory Lane

Yes, I've gone on about the weirdness of Facebook for me. I am just still working this out in my head though. Maybe it isn't in my head... I think it is my heart. Oh yeah... the tears now are a definite sign that it is in my heart.

Many, many moons ago, I really loved Michael. I loved him enough to push a close friend out of the scene. They were already struggling and my meeting him only made things worse. He and I got closer and closer as friends as their relationship fell apart. I'm pretty sure that I gave it that last final push though. It would have happened anyhow, but I sped the process along. We dated for a long time, especially for high school although he was in college.

I have glimpses of memories with him. I remember him taking care of me when I was sick. I remember getting stopped by the staties on Rt 2 between Littleton and Concord for stalling out in the left hand lane. I remember watching the lights at the base air strip. I remember walking hand in hand at Hampton Beach and eating at Mama Leoni's all dressed up for prom.

He introduced me to things like Evita and Jesus Christ Superstar. I think he even took me to the Wang to see JCS. I went with him to MCP and got tacos and baklava at a little taco stand. I got to help pick out the first real Christmas tree I'd ever been part of decorating with his family. He got me to listen to heavy metal music and actually listen closely enough to hear the lyrics. And he got me to read sci-fi/fantasy novels. He is responsible for my love of Billy Joel and songs that tell stories.

Somewhere along the line, I decided that I needed to spread my wings and date more people and have some adventure. Michael had his life planned out for himself. It may even be more appropriate to say he had his life planned out for him. I wanted to be the person to set his inner writer free, but it wasn't going to happen. I was afraid to let my life be all settled at 17 though. A couple/few weeks before the senior prom, I broke up with him. My friends were shocked. I think everyone was shocked.

After that I made a series of bad choices in guys/men. My life hasn't turned out the way that I thought it would.

Do not get me wrong though. I love my life now. I love my husband. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Yeah, sure a few thousand bucks more a month would be lovely but isn't everyone in that boat?

But my brain can't help but wonder... or maybe it's my heart... What if... What if I hadn't broken up with him? Would my life be different? Would I have avoided a failed marriage? Would I have had to spend so much time and effort rebuilding my self-confidence? Would I have finished school? Would I have gotten into international relations somehow? Would I have found a way to travel more? How would his life be?

I don't really want to know the answer to the last question. And really, I think I'd have eventually ended up with pretty much this same life. I mean, my dad got orders to go to Hawaii. I'm sure that my family still would have forced me to go with them. My relationship would have still ended then or probably shortly after.

It's the one relationship that makes me think, What were you thinking when you broke up with him? The next guy I dated slammed my head into a table when I didn't want to have sex. The one after that I ended up marrying -- he'd been married twice before and had 5 kids, got hooked on ice, and slowly destroyed my sense of self. After that divorce, I dated another real winner who took advantage of that lack of confidence...

Wow. It took me 10 years to find another good man and get my crap together. I wonder if I'd made a different decision if I would have avoided those 10 years of heartache.

But then I wouldn't be who I am today. I got to grow up, learn to truly be self-supporting, and find my center in those 10 years.

Memory lane is definitely a double edged sword. It is sweet and wonderful and loving but it sure can cut you to the bone.

Can I Let Go?

My honey wants to send the kids to his parents house this summer. It is part of a grand scheme for him to go to WW (SCA Event). If the kids are gone, he's more likely to get me to go with him. Plus if I don't go, he'll feel less guilty about leaving me at home, because at least I won't be with two kids and no breaks.

I am not sure if Itty Bitty will be okay without me nor my honey for a whole week. She'll have her boy boy. Her grandparents would definitely spoil her rotten. But she really is Mommy's Girl.

And I don't know if I'm ready for her to be okay without me for a whole week. She's my baby. My honey even bringing it up made me get all teary. I'm not sure that I can deal with it. And if I'm home alone, I think I'm less likely to be able to deal with it.

The first time I left her alone with someone was for our wedding anniversary. We went out to dinner and a movie. I cried through dinner and we went home. The first time I spent a night away without her, I cried myself to sleep. Granted that was when she was a few months old and then when she was about a year old.

Just not sure I'm ready for this...

First Post

Aha! New blog! Now, if I can just figure out how to create an RSS feed from here to my LJ, it will be all good. My friends who have felt deprived from my lack of posting and posting ability should be happier!

Today has been interesting, to say the least. We all slept in a little longer than I'd anticipated but we were all tired. My honey is feeling better though. Got to work and my brain was definitely still at home. I was thinking of the things I want to get done at home, things to do with and for the kids, planning participation in school events and stuff to fill up summer vacation with for the boy. I did not want to be at work. Not that work was bad, just that I wanted to be at home more.

These days, that seems to happen a lot. I think I'm at that point where if I could have the choice, I'd be a stay at home mom for a while. I feel like my home is undone. There is so much work to be done there. I have it in my head that if I could just stay home for a few weeks, I could get it all done and then it would just be maintenance. I know that after a while, I'd get bored and want to go back to work though. I barely made it through 6 weeks of maternity leave with my sanity in tact.

I had my Weight Watchers meeting this morning. I was worried about what the scale would say as I'd eaten my way through two whole days this week. Luckily, I'd done a pretty good job of sticking to low point alternatives to my junk foods. The scale went down nearly a pound. This is a huge difference from it going up and up and up over the winter months.

Just as I was gathering up my stuff and getting ready to head to actual work at my desk again, we had a First Responders call. Typically, they leave me a little unnerved. I feel very responsible for every single person in the building. There have only been a couple of times where I felt worried or emotional with the calls. Today was one of them. The person was crying from the pain they were in. The safety person in me is relieved that it was not an injury, but an illness. However, it is really hard to see someone in that much pain without being able to do anything to fix it. Thankfully the ambulance and police arrived very quickly and took them off to the ER.

Then it was a mad dash to my HSSE (health, safety, security, environment) call. This caused me to miss my normal lunch. Sometimes those calls are really helpful and informative. Sometimes they are not. The call itself was not so informative today but I got lots of leads on where to find some info I've been looking for. Next month's call sounds like it is going to be pretty good.

And now I am here.

A friend was asking for ideas of things to do to not feel so isolated here in MN at the end of winter. There are a million and one things to do for FREE in the Twin Cities. It makes me crazy that I can list about a dozen off the top of my head and yet, I've only taken advantage of a few of them with my family. I think that I am going to make it a goal to take the family to at least one cool, free thing each month. It will get us out of the house, probably be educational, and definitely get us all some exercise. We have got tons of museums, parks, zoos, libraries, etc that all have free family things to do. The zoo is the only thing that we've taken advantage of though. Well some of the parks too but not enough.

I think that is all for now... I know that there is more swirling around in my brain, but I should try to get some actual work done today too.