Relationships and the Military Family

I've recently reconnected with an old boyfriend from high school. We've been catching up on the last 17/18 yrs. It sort of ended up being about boyfriends and marriages and divorces and remarriages for us and related friends and family. His comment was that those of us that were military families did not fare so well. We are bad at relationships.

Yeah, he's right. Being a military brat, I definitely got used to breaking ties. Do that enough and you build up some pretty sturdy walls. It's hard to let people in. I think that we even begin to pick people that we only kind of like. That way we have no reason to really open up and make deep connections and have our hearts broken. I know that I have certainly run away from people when we were getting too close. I have created problems when there were no problems. I've often chosen "Mr. Right Now" rather than someone who could have been Mr. Right.

The other thing defense mechanism that I've seen in myself and other military people is that we start creating distance when we know that moving time is near. Little things become big arguments. Wild and crazy suspicions become fact in our heads. But it is so much easier to leave someone that you are angry at or don't like anymore.

Now that I am an adult and have 'settled down', I'm learning how to make those connections. Regularly, I realize that I have missed being taught things in life because we weren't stable. One of our friends recently was in the hospital and having surgery. I knew that I needed to stay away because I was sick. Other than that, our family offered support. "Let us know if we can do something to help." It did not occur to me that I should offer specifics -- like going over to clean the house, send over hot dish (casserole for those of you not in MN), etc. Other people knew that. I did not know that. There were other basic support things too that did not occur to me but others had learned through basic socialization. Sometimes, just being in the same room with a person and holding their hand is all that they need. News to me. I know, crazy isn't it?

I've been working on taking those walls down, even in basic ways like letting people hug me and sometimes I even hug back. I attempt to get in touch with my feelings. Yes... my feelings. The thing that I think I need the most work on is learning to be open to others being open. I think that when others start really opening up to me, I kind of put on this therapist mask. I try to listen intently, help them come to important realizations or conclusions, and solve the problem for them or with them. I think it is a clinical sort of distance that I create there. I think that I make it a safe place to open up and discuss things without harsh judgement or criticism, but I don't make that heart to heart connection. I want to make that connection. I purposefully work to be open and supportive. I think that I avoid that last step. It's a defense mechanism.

Hmm... Not sure how to fix that. It might be more and more practice. Food for thought.