Yes, I've gone on about the weirdness of Facebook for me. I am just still working this out in my head though. Maybe it isn't in my head... I think it is my heart. Oh yeah... the tears now are a definite sign that it is in my heart.
Many, many moons ago, I really loved Michael. I loved him enough to push a close friend out of the scene. They were already struggling and my meeting him only made things worse. He and I got closer and closer as friends as their relationship fell apart. I'm pretty sure that I gave it that last final push though. It would have happened anyhow, but I sped the process along. We dated for a long time, especially for high school although he was in college.
I have glimpses of memories with him. I remember him taking care of me when I was sick. I remember getting stopped by the staties on Rt 2 between Littleton and Concord for stalling out in the left hand lane. I remember watching the lights at the base air strip. I remember walking hand in hand at Hampton Beach and eating at Mama Leoni's all dressed up for prom.
He introduced me to things like Evita and Jesus Christ Superstar. I think he even took me to the Wang to see JCS. I went with him to MCP and got tacos and baklava at a little taco stand. I got to help pick out the first real Christmas tree I'd ever been part of decorating with his family. He got me to listen to heavy metal music and actually listen closely enough to hear the lyrics. And he got me to read sci-fi/fantasy novels. He is responsible for my love of Billy Joel and songs that tell stories.
Somewhere along the line, I decided that I needed to spread my wings and date more people and have some adventure. Michael had his life planned out for himself. It may even be more appropriate to say he had his life planned out for him. I wanted to be the person to set his inner writer free, but it wasn't going to happen. I was afraid to let my life be all settled at 17 though. A couple/few weeks before the senior prom, I broke up with him. My friends were shocked. I think everyone was shocked.
After that I made a series of bad choices in guys/men. My life hasn't turned out the way that I thought it would.
Do not get me wrong though. I love my life now. I love my husband. I love my kids. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Yeah, sure a few thousand bucks more a month would be lovely but isn't everyone in that boat?
But my brain can't help but wonder... or maybe it's my heart... What if... What if I hadn't broken up with him? Would my life be different? Would I have avoided a failed marriage? Would I have had to spend so much time and effort rebuilding my self-confidence? Would I have finished school? Would I have gotten into international relations somehow? Would I have found a way to travel more? How would his life be?
I don't really want to know the answer to the last question. And really, I think I'd have eventually ended up with pretty much this same life. I mean, my dad got orders to go to Hawaii. I'm sure that my family still would have forced me to go with them. My relationship would have still ended then or probably shortly after.
It's the one relationship that makes me think, What were you thinking when you broke up with him? The next guy I dated slammed my head into a table when I didn't want to have sex. The one after that I ended up marrying -- he'd been married twice before and had 5 kids, got hooked on ice, and slowly destroyed my sense of self. After that divorce, I dated another real winner who took advantage of that lack of confidence...
Wow. It took me 10 years to find another good man and get my crap together. I wonder if I'd made a different decision if I would have avoided those 10 years of heartache.
But then I wouldn't be who I am today. I got to grow up, learn to truly be self-supporting, and find my center in those 10 years.
Memory lane is definitely a double edged sword. It is sweet and wonderful and loving but it sure can cut you to the bone.
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That's heavy.
ReplyDeleteI think now I know where Memory Lane is. I apologize for being so flip on Facebook there-I hadn't read this yet.
There's a thousand things running through my head just now, but suffice it to say..I'm not as settled, emotionally, as you obviously are.
I'm pleased, but sorrowful that you had to go through all that.
Though I suppose, like you said, that you HAD to in order to become who you are. It's the Time Traveler's Paradox-not just dating your own mother, a la Back to The Future, but the sheer impossibility of it-you can't change who you were, because that person gives birth to who you are.
There's lots more to say-email me if you are interested.
spudrph@aol.com
And here I was scouring Beatles song lists trying to find a way to lure you back in to the game! I just couldn't find anything that said "Come back and play with me!"
ReplyDeleteYou've never had to try very hard to get me to do anything.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, your post has stirred up a lot of thoughts. I'm not sure how much sense I am able to make about them.
I'm not sure if it's appropriate to say it, or if you want to hear it, or even if I want to say it, or even necessarily what I mean to say.
But you started it. So Nyah. ;-)
In order, approximately-
I let you break up the relationship I was in. I am fully guilty of that-I could have said no. But I didn't. As a mutual friend once put it, "You May Be Right, I May Be Crazy"-it may have been ending anyway. I don't agree, but you probably know better than me.
Did I love you? Ferociously.
I don't think I had my life planned that well. I constantly feel like I'm Peyton Manning, calling audibles at the line. If I did have one, it certainly wasn't THIS plan, I can tell you that. If this was the plan, it was a lousy plan.
Shocked? Yeah. I agree everyone was shocked. Me most of all. I never really understood why until I read this post-that closes a door.
I didn't know it was so hard for you to get here. It shouldn't have been, you deserved better. No one deserves to be treated that way, but you especially.
I tell people, when this subject comes up, that everyone has a "one that got away"- a relationship that ended under bad or confusing terms that you will always wonder about. We can't go back-we know that. But, in the idle moments, when that song comes on, you wonder.
I have you-and the one before you. You can't go back-you wouldn't. I might consider the offer, but it's foolish-I'm not being offered the chance, so never mind. We can't go back. Or, perhaps if we could, we'd just make the same damn fool mistakes again.
I'm really glad you're happy. Really, really glad. You deserve that, and I wish you nothing but the very, very best.