Special Sort of Moodiness Today

I was explaining to an old friend via email what I dreamed my life would look like at this age. When I was 16/17, I dreamed that at this point in my life that I'd be living in Austria or Belgium or Spain or something as a Foreign Service Officer with my family of two kids and husband with a dog. We'd be world travellers, fluent in several languages, mingling with the people of Europe, breaking down the Ugly American facade, and helping Americans in need abroad. Expatriots that I'd read about while learning about Hemmingway and other authors of his time... Living in Spain, carefree and loving it.

As my mood got darker, I closed my email. Perhaps afraid to show the dark places where my mind was going or perhaps to simply avoid those dark places. Stopping the writing did not stop the thinking though and I ended up in those dark places anyhow.

It occurs to me that I don't like those dark places because it is where I begin to call myself fat and lazy and ambitionless and failure and all those ugly words that play over and over in my head some days.

I sit here and think of what my life would be if only... if only... if only... And then the reality of it is that If I really wanted that, I would have found a way to make it happen. If I were really as ambitious as I'd like to believe, then I'd have found my way to that life already. And then I turned back to a game of Bejeweled... Maybe it wasn't the effects of outside forces that threw me from my path to that life. Maybe it was just me.

Maybe I just made wrong choices. Maybe I was too lazy to deal with college. Maybe I was too idealistic. Maybe I was just delusional. Maybe life is just a string of disappointments with some occasional highlights here and there. Maybe I am too ugly to be that person living that sort of life. And then I turned back to a game of Bejeweled.

Who is this person that would rather hide in a stupid little game played in one-minute increments? Where did she come from?

If I were the person that I want to be, then I'd find a way to be able to print from here so I can delve into the budget that is wrong the first month of the fiscal year. I'd find a way to get a copy of the pandemic plan to download and open so I can add the updates as we learn new info. I'd have made the calls that I had intended to make and documented the savings from plans I've implemented or... or... or... The list goes on.

My brain turned to those dark places of self-loathing and self-blame. And tried to hide in a mindless game played in one-minute increments. But I went there anyhow. And my mood got darker.

Until I realized that every now and then, we all have to shine a light down in those dark places, clear out the cobwebs, pick up the different plans, goals, and dreams. We have to reassess ourselves, regroup, and get set straight once again.

Then we can get back to the business of achieving our goals, finding new dreams, and work on accomplishing them.




I don't suck. My life doesn't suck. In fact, most days, I think I'm pretty darn good and so is my life. No, it isn't what my idealistic teenage dreams might have come up with, but I've got the husband, I've got the kids, I help people, and I travel fairly regularly. I even have a passport with a stamp on it.